Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
