proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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