How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He better not be in your backpack
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
