I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
we made out on top of his cat.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
