whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
