so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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