he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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