i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
operation have a gay friend backfired
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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