A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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