If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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