I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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