this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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