4 words: hood of his car
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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