lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
