My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I am midnight drunk by noon
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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