I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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