there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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