I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I met the friendliest cop last night
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
