Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
