im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
