So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
