I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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