anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
