I CAN MOONWALK!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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