youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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