happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Randomize
