Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
