Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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