Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
