This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
