i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
