mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
