Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
