you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
