this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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