I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
