Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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