if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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