I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Randomize
