I wish you could order shots online.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
