so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
