Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
