Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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