If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
