Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
