I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
