I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
