I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
