after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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