She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
